Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies.
Little Annie is now silent for a while.
“You understand it now?” Mommy asks.
“Yes,” replies her daughter.
“Do you still have any questions?”
“Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?”
“In exactly the same way as with babies.”
“Wow!” the girl exclaims. “My daddy can do ANYTHING!”
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a
number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was
able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must
be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I
just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed
my will three times!”
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball
history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the
season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever
died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was
baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.
“Of course it me,” Bob replied. “This is unbelievable!”
Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”
“Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?”
“Tell me the good news first.”
“Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”
“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”
“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was
in love three times,” one friend says.
“How so?” his friend asks.
“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do
with me.”
“Was that not love?” his friend asks.
“No,” he replies. “That was obsession. And then two years ago I
deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”
“Was that not love?”
“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman
aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a
great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I
would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”
“Was that not love?” his friend asks.
“No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair
before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a
comforting word. “My, you look tired,” she said. “You must have had a
hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?
“It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all
of us had to do our own thinking.”
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts
out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC,
and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and
serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is
clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them
stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests
to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into
your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain
in the mall.
Dear Joe,
Nothing doing here at home. I sure do envy you out there in
Vietnam. Right in the thick of things. Bet you never have a
dull moment.
I was over to see your wife last night and read all the letters
you sent. They were a bit mushey, but I don’t blame you–Frances
is sweet, wonderful figure, good looks and personality. The guys
still whistle at her when she walkes down the street.
Your brother-in-law dropped in wearing the suit you bought just
before you left. Fran gave it to him–said it would be out of
style if and when you came home. Several couples came in and we
killed two cases of beer. We wanted to chip in, but Fran said
“No”–that you had sent her an extra £18.00 to spend as she wished,
and too, she had just sold you golf clubs for £25.00 which was
more than she got for your movie projector and camera.
Fran was the life of the party. We all thought she was a little
shaken up after the accident she had last week, but you would never
know that she had been in a head-on collision and smashed up your
new Ford all to bits. The other fellow is still in the hospital
and threatens to sue, too bad Fran forgot to pay the insurance,
but she doesn’t seem to mind the least or seem worried. We all
admire her courage and willingness to mortagage the house and pay
the bills, Good thing you gave her the power of attourney before
you left. Well, back to the party. You should have seen Fran do
the imitation of Gypsy Rose Lee, She was still going strong when
we all said good-night to her and Claude. I guess you don’t know
him. He is rooming at your house. It’s close to his work, and he
saves a lot on gas and meals.
Nothing new with me, except my wife got a raise–£110.00 a week now.
With me getting unemployment, we are doing O.K. It’s getting late
now, so I’ll stop. I can see Fran and Claude through the window.
He’s wearing your smoking jacket and they are having a night cap.
Well, Joe, I sure wish I could be over there with you. Give those
guys hell!!!
Your Pal,
Bill
P.S.
Pay no attention to the rumors that fran is pregnant. I think it
all started when she forgot to pay the water bill or something
and someone heard her tell Claude she was overdue.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few Cokes short of a six-pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the
heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the
way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little
further apart than most.
I remember learning to drive on my dad’s lap. Did you guys
ever do that? He’d work the brakes. I’d work the wheel. Then
I went to take the driver’s test and sat on the examiner. I
failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That’s the really
nice part.
Rodney walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two
shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here.”
The bartender says, “You want both drinks now or do you want
me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”
Rodney says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best
buddy in my pocket here.” With that he pulls out a little 3-
inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, “Wow! And you mean to say he can drink
that much?” “Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some,”
the man retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure
enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
“That’s amazing,” says the bartender. “What else can he do?
Can he walk?” Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the
bar and says, “Hey Al, go get that quarter!” The little guy
runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and
runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. “That’s
amazing,” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in
his eye and squawks, “Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him
about that time we were down in Africa on safari and you
called that witch doctor a son-of-a-bitch.”