Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

Mommy,” said the little girl, “can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?”

“Of course you can.” her mother replied. “How do you think conductors are made?”

Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?

A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aids.

Bad, Bad Willie

Willie bashed open Baby’s head
To see if brains are gray or red
What a naughty boy is he
he shall have no jam for tea.

Willie poisoned Auntie’s tea
Auntie died in agony.
Uncle came and looked quite vexed.
“Really, Will,” he said, “what next?”

Little Willie’s dead and gone,
His face we’ll see no more.
For what he thought was H2O
Was h2SO4.

Little Willie from the mirror licked the mercury off,
Thinking in his childish error it would cure whooping cough.
At the funeral Willie’s mother smartly said to Mrs. Brown,
“‘Twas a chilly day for Willie when the mercury went down.”

Little Willie at a passing gent
Threw a batch of fresh cement.
Then he said, “Wait until you dry!
Then you’ll be a real hard guy!”

Little Willie on his bike
Through the village took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk;
She will live, but still can’t talk.

Willie saw some dynamite,
Couldn’t understand it quite.
Curiosity never pays;
It rained Willie seven days.

Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn’t found ’till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed: “Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!”

Willie in the cauldron fell;
See the grief on mother’s brow!
Mother loved her Darling well,
Willie’s quite hard-boiled by now.

Willie with a thirst for gore,
Nailed the baby to the door.
Mother said, with humor quaint,
“Willie dear, don’t spoil the paint.”

Willie’s cute as cute can be.
Beneath his brother, only three,
He lit a stick of dynamite.
Now Brother’s simply out of sight.

Willie, I regret to state,
Cut his sister up for bait.
We miss her when it’s time to dine,
But Willie’s fish taste simply fine.

Willie’s on the railroad track-
The engine gave a squeal.
The engineer just took a spade,
And scraped him off the wheel.

Little Willie, playing ball
Lined one down the schoolhouse hall
Through the door came Mr. Hill
Several teeth are missing still

Submitted by: Yoda
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Copyright © 1998 Yes Interactive AS
All Rights Reserved

Little Willie Poems

Little Willie full of hell
Pushed his sister in the well
Said his mother while drawing water
“It’s so hard to raise a daughter”.

Willie in one of his nice new sashes
Fell into the fire and was burned to ashes
Though the room grows kind of chilly
We haven’t the heart to poke up poor old willie

Little Willie, in the best of sashes,
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes
By and By the room grew chilly,
But no one liked to poke up Willie.

My friend Joan Solana, gave me the next two “Little Willie” poems

Little Willie hung his sister
She was dead before we missed her
Willie is always up to tricks
Ain’t he cute? and He’s just six!

Willie poisoned his father’s tea
His father died in agony
Mother came and looked quite vexed
“Really, Will,” she said, “What next!”

POEMS

My heart was a desert
You planted a seed
My heart’s still a desert
All covered with weeds

Making toast at the fireside,
Nurse fell in the grate and died;
And, what makes it ten times worse,
All the toast was burned with Nurse.

The Autumn leaves are falling,
Are falling here and there.
They’re falling through the atmosphere
And also through the air.

“If half the road was made of jam,
The other half of bread,
How very nice my walks would be,”
The greedy infant said.

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Back to my Home Page

Juan A. Fernandez
E-Mailjuanf@olywa.net

“Wild” Al Kelly _was_ a shock-jock who used to present a show on
Talk Radio UK (1053 and 1089 MW) from 1am until 6am and was
HILARIOUS. Unfortunately, TRUK got scared of the Radio Authority and
sacked Al Kelly because his style was more “adult” in content. Even
adult language has more or less got the boot. Here is one of Wild
Al’s finest hours. Apparently Americans don’t know what bollocks
are…

OSC: Hello, Chicago Police Department, O’Hare Airport, Oscar
answering.
WAK: Hello, yes, I’ve just called the Lost and Found and there was a
machine that told me to get into touch with you.
OSC: Yes, sir. What did you lose?
WAK: Erm, I’ve lost my bollocks. I left my bollocks at Chicago
Airport.
OSC: Err, I’m sorry, sir. What did you lose?
WAK: My _bollocks_. I’m calling from Britain…
OSC: Yes… I’m sorry, I don’t know what a “bollock” is.
WAK: B-O-L-L-O-C-K. It’s… it’s… it’s a small… it’s… it’s a
_medicinal_ thing, it’s two balls in a bag and they help my
hand, the arthritis in my hand.
OSC: Oh. OK. No, we’ve had nothing like that turned in to City Lost
and Found…
WAK: Right.
OSC: …nor the Chicago Police Department. Where do you believe you
left them, sir?
WAK: Erm, I think it was Terminal Five, I flew out from there.
British Airways.
OSC: OK. If it was turned in by somebody to Terminal Five, like one
of the information counters or something, they _would_ turn it
into us from Terminal Five. We don’t have anything turned in
and I currently have nobody out on assignment to pick anything
up. Right about now the terminal is closed down or closing
down. You might want to try back tomorrow to see if it got
turned in overnight.
WAK: Well, I left it there yesterday and I suspect if it hasn’t been
found already then my bollocks have been lost.
OSC: Right, if it doesn’t come in overnight then it’s not going to
come in at all, sir.
WAK: So could you make a note to look out for my bollocks, if they
arrive?
OSC: OK, sir. What is your name?
WAK: Mr Kelly.
OSC: OK, and a phone number you can be reached at?
WAK: That’s England. I’m not sure what the international code is.
OSC: I’d have to have all that.
WAK: Hold on, I just have to confer with my friend. (Do you know
what the international code is?) Yes, hold on, it’s 011 44 71
636 1089, and if you do find my bollocks then we could get in
touch.
OSC: OK. Now that’s, er, you described it was in a bag, you said?
WAK: It’s a little pouch…
OSC: It’s a pouch?
WAK: It’s a pouch.
OSC: Made out of what, sir?
WAK: Out of a leathery material.
OSC: OK, and it contains two balls, er, what does it contain, sir?
WAK: Two bollocks.
OSC: OK, it contains two bollocks… I’m sorry, I have no idea what
you’re talking about and I’m trying to visualize it, but I
can’t.
WAK: OK, I’ll describe it. It’s two ball-shaped things.
OSC: OK, they’re shaped like a ball, OK. Right, what else was in
there?
WAK: Th-that’s it .
OSC: OK, right. I’ll put this in a note, in a thing if we find it
and we’ll get a-hold of you sir, but, as you say, it should
have been turned in, and if it wasn’t then I don’t think we’re
going to be getting it.
WAK: Thank you.
OSC: OK, sir. Good-bye.

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink
and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the
package says, “Open somewhere else”?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?

Why do people look at the door when they’re in an elevator?

Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?

How come there is a mailbox in front of the post office?

If we can make semi-conductors, why can’t we make complete conductors?

Why go to all the trouble of building a hidden driveway when the highway
department puts up a “Hidden Drive” sign?

How come we can never just rant or just rave? Why do we always have to
do both? It makes me sick and tired.

If a mime fell in the woods, would he make a sound?

Why do radio stations interrupt “60 minutes of uninterrupted music” to
tell you you’re listening to 60 minutes of uninterrupted music?

If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?

What did moths congregate around before light bulbs were invented?

If Dracula can’t see his reflection in the mirror, why is his hair
always so neatly combed?

Why are America’s parks and great outdoors administered by the Department
of the Interior?

Does an invisible ink stain have to be cleaned with invisible spot
remover?

If you put a chameleon in a mirrored box, what color would he be — clear?

Can you call someone on the otherside of the international date line and
get tomorrow’s winning lottery numbers?

Can you really avoid injury in an airplane crash if you jump out when the
plane is just a few feet from the ground?

If you spread butter on a cat’s back and dropped the cat, would it land
on its feet?

Why do we use the phrase “recorded earlier”? Is there ANY other time to
record something?

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you have the hangover after work instead of before.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. (depending of course on
the boss).
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. >>

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil.” Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the
severe burns unit of Salt Lake City hospital.

Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kikki Rodriguez, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. “I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Faggot, our gerbil, in,” he explained. “As usual, Kikki shouted
“Armageddon,” my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Faggot
but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him.” At a hushed press
conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. “The
flame ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot up the tube
igniting Mr. Bustone’s moustache and severely burning his face. It also
set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine proppeling the rodent out
like a cannonball.”

Bustone suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Rodriguez suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. Sheriff Hugo Root later
told reporters: “It’s Faggot I feel sorry for. Being stuffed up some
queers tradesman’s entrance.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The new priest at his first mass was so afraid, he could hardly
talk. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how
he could relax. The monsignor said, next week, it might help if you put
martinis in your water pitcher. The next week the young priest put his
elder’s suggestion into practice and really talked up a storm. After
the sermon, he asked the monsignor how he did. The monsignor replied,
“Fine, but there are a few things you should learn before you address
the congregation again.”

1. Next time, sip the martinis rather than downing them glassful by
glassful.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. David slew Golaith, he didn’t “Kick the shit out of him.”
5. We do not refer to Our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his disciples
as J.C. and the boys.
6. Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not
a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.
7. We do not refer to the Cross as “The Big T.”
8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as,
“Daddy, Junior and Spook.”
9. Please! It is the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the cherry.
10. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
11. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
12. When Joseph was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don’t say he was “stoned off his ass.”
13. And last but not least, when you leave the altar, walk down
the steps, don’t slide down the rail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’M GOING TO BE A BUILDER WHEN I GROW UP”

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He is four years old.

He was bugging Mother so she said, “Jimmy, why don’t you go across
the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you’ll learn something.”

Jimmy was gone about 2 hours. When he came home his Mother asked
him what he learned.

Jimmy replied, “Well, first you put the God damn door up, then the
son of a bitch doesn’t fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back
down. Then you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the
Mother fucker back up.”

Jimmy’s Mother said, “you wait til your Dad comes home.” When
Jimmy’s dad got home, mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across
the street. Jimmy told his dad the whole story. Dad said, “Jimmy, you
go outside and get the switch.”

Jimmy replied, “Fuck you, that’s the Electrician’s job.”

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