Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in.”

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Top ten things that sounds dirty in law but aren’t!
Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counsellor, let’s do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offence?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?
 Top 10 things men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10minutes…BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too…
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina….
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top 12 Put Down Lines
“Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!”
“Earth is full. Go home.”
“Nice perfume, but did you have to marinate in it?”
“And which dwarf are you?”
He: “Let’s go back to my place!”
She: “I don’t think we’ll both fit under that rock!”
“Sorry, but after meeting you I’m thinking of becoming a lesbian.”
“So you’re the missing link” (between man and monkey).
(At the top of her voice in a crowded bar): “No I will not f*ck you for £100!”
“Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?”
“Do they ever shut up on your planet?”
“If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil…”
“OK MISTER, how many times do I have to flush before you go away?”
Top ten things that sound dirty in the Office but aren’t!
I need to whip it out by 5!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put it in my box before I leave.
If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag.
I want it on my desk, NOW!
HMMMMMM……I think it’s out of fluid.
My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
It’s an entry-level position.
When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there.

Top 10 Things that sound Dirty at X-mas but aren’t
Did you get any under the tree?
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Check out Rudolph’s honker!
Santa’s sack is really bulging!
Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real!
Can I interest you in some dark meat?
To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall!
 
10 Reasons Why Smoking Pot Is Better Than Classes
1. Pot is a quicker and more efficient way to fry your brain.
2. When you smoke pot, even your Calculus TA turns you on.
3. If you ever run for president, you could claim that you didn’t
inhale.
4. Pot makes dorm food taste good.
5. Pot is easier to get than most text books.
6. It takes twenty minutes to walk to class. In that time, you could
smoke enough pot to be dreaming about Kathy Ireland for a week.
7. Class would never make you want to run naked through the fountain
in the middle of January.
8. Pot clears the mind and soul. Class clutters it.
9. Smoking pot is much cheaper.
10. What you learn in class is gone in a matter of minutes.
Pot can stay in your system for up to a year.
101 things not to say during sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
 2. You woke me up for that?
 3. Did I mention the video camera?
 4. Do you smell something burning?
 5. (in a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
 6. Try breathing through your nose.
 7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
 10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
  Person 2: Yeah.. today
 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
 13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
 14. Do you accept Visa?
 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
 16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
 20. Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
 21. (holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
 22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
 this couch!
 25. Got any penicillin?
 26. But I just brushed my teeth…
 27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
 29. I want a baby!
 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
 34. I think you have it on backwards.
 35. When is this supposed to feel good?
 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
 37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!
 38. Is that blood on the headboard?
 39. Did I remember to take my pill?
 40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
 42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
 43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
 47. No, really… I do this part better myself!
 48. It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
 49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
 50. You’re almost as good as my ex!
 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
 potatoes?
 53. You look younger than you feel.
 54. Perhaps you’re just out of practice.
 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
 56. They’re not cracker crumbs, it’s just a rash.
 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…
 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
 60. What tampon?
 61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
 62. And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!
 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
 64. I have a confession…
 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
 68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
 69. You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?
 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
 72. Did you come yet, dear?
 73. I’ll tell you who I’m fanatasizing about if you tell me
 who you’re fantasizing about…
 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
 75. Does this count as a date?
 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
 78. I think biting is romantic- don’t you?
 79. Q: You can cook, too right?
  A: (Whaddaya think I’m doin’?)
 80. When would you like to meet my parents?
 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like… 
 Woman: Yourself?
 82. Have you seen “Fatal Attraction”?
 83. Sorry about the name tags, I’m not very good with names.
 84. Don’t mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
 86. I hope I didn’t forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
 light?
 87. Don’t worry, my dog’s really friendly for a Doberman.
 88. Sorry but I don’t do toes!
 89. You could at least ACT like you’re enjoying it!
 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
 92. I’ll bet you didn’t know I work for “The Enquirer”.
 93. So that’s why they call you MR. Flash!
 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
 95. Is this a sin too?
 96. I’ve slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend’s turn?
 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…
 99. Please understand that I’m only doing this for a raise…
 100. How long do you plan to be “almost there”?
 101. You mean you’re NOT my blind date?

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like
to do first, Mary?” asked Scott.
“I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117
and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. “I want to get
weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost
his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Scott
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her
off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”
Mary responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

Can you be illegally blind?

He who stands on toliet is high on pot!

If a blind person takes LSD, would they see things, or just think
they see things?

Why does wal-mart have 20 check out lanes and only 2 cashiers
working?
- Its a conspiracy to make you stand there just long enough to
forget where you parked your car.

Who closes the door after the bus driver gets out.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

Why are there locks on a store thats open 24 hours a day 7 days a
week?

For a long time people thought the moon was made of cheese.
We finally get there and realize that it is made of rock.
Is that why we haven’t been back since?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked???

If a fly doesn’t have wings, is it called a walk???

If a fortune teller gets hit by lightning, did he or she see it
coming???

Old Phone Men Never Die.
- They Just Erect A New Pole

Why do children ages 13-16 have to pay the adult price at the
movie theather, but can not watch rated R movies?

Ye who writes on shit house walls, rolls his shit in little balls.
Ye who reads these words of wit eats those little balls of shit!

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

If your parents didn’t have children, chances are you won’t either.

would you believe me if I told you that I am a compulsive liar?

How can some one say they are bored to death.

Yo moma is so fat every time she turns around its her birthday.

How do you define agony?
- A one-armed man with an itchy bum hangin from a cliff-top.

Weird is weird. It doesn’t follow the “I before e except after c”
rule.

To have a little peace, you got to have a little violence.

If a man speaks in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,
is he still wrong?