Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

Q: What’s the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States

Q: Where does the Easter bunny get his breakfast?

A: IHOP!

Q: Where did Santa Claus go on vacation?

A: To a ho, ho, hotel!

Bill and Hilary Clinton were married for 40 years. When
they first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box
under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage Hilary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid
and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it
back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the
box, she was really curious as to why.

That evening while they were out for a special dinner
Hilary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying “I am so sorry. For all these years
I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
the bed. However today the temptation was too much and
I gave in. But now I need to know why you keep the cans
in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all
these years you deserve to know the truth.Whenever I
was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the
box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hilary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed
and saddened but I guess after all these years away
from home on the road, temptation does happen and I
guess that 3 times is not bad considering the years
we’ve been together.”

A little while later Hilary asked Bill “Why do you have
all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Whenever the box got full of cans, I
cashed them in.”

President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader.
They’d spent the day discussing what the country had received
from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.
“The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport.
Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.”
President Clinton frowned. “Russian roulette’s not a friendly
nice game.” The African leader smiled. “That’s why we developed
African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our
country, you’ll have to play. I’ll show you how.” He pushed a
buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women
were ushered in. “You can choose any one of those women to give
you oral sex,” he told Clinton. This gained Clinton’s immediate
attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought
occurred to him. “How on earth is this related to Russian
roulette?” The African leader said “One of them is a cannibal.”

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki,
the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American
history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?” She
saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

“Patrick Henry, 1775.” He said.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people,
for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no
response except from Suzuki.

“Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.” “Who said that?”
she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again,Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit.
If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically
yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher
on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!” and
Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001.”

Lets name one leg Christmas and the other Easter. Can I come between
the holidays?

A guy takes his condom off and throws it out the window. The
girl yells at him and tells him to go down on the street and pick
it up. So after much argument he finally gets dressed and goes
down. To his surprise there is a kid holding the condom in his
hand. The guy offers the kid $5 for the condom, but the kid
refuses. The guy offers him $20. Still the kid refuses. Finally
they decide on a price of $30. Afterwards the kid is talking to
his friends and tells them, “I just sold a guy a twinkie wrapper
for $30 after I already licked the creme off.”

A man enters a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He then goes out
side and kisses his horse smack on the arse. He walks back into
the bar and orders another shot. He then goes out side and kisses
his horse on the arse again. The barman has been watching the man
all the time but he chooses to not say anything and just let him
get on with it. After another few shots he decides to ask the
man what he is doing before he goes too far. He says to the man why
do you keep kissing your horse on the arse. The man replies
‘chapped lips’ the bar man says ‘oh does that help cure them’ the
man replies ‘ no, but it stops me fucking licking them’

A fine woman climbs aboard a trolley and asks a man if she could
sit in his place because she says she is pregnant. The man gets
up and lets her sit down and asks her why she doesnt look
pregnant and she says, “It’s only been thirty minutes.”

This is also an old rhyme.

Georgie porgy pudding pie,
jacked off in his girlfriends eye.
When that eye was sealed and shut,
he fucked that one eyed slut.

This is sort of a nursery rhyme.

Hickory Dickory Dock.
This whore was sucking my cock.
This clock struck two, I dropped my goo,
and dropped the bitch at the next block.

How can you tell if a guy is a real loser?
- He refers to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome as a sexually transmitted
disease.

What animal has an asshole in the middle of its back?
- A police horse.

Why should you never drink diet soda after giving oral sex?
- Because then you’ll have two aftertastes to get out of your mouth.

What does Bill Clinton call getting a blow job?
- Introducing an intern to his staff.

Jay Leno, citing politicians’ favorite films:

“Dan Quayle — ‘Clueless.’
Steve Forbes — ‘Revenge of the Nerds.’
Al Gore — ‘Coma.’
Janet Reno — ‘Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.’
Hillary Clinton — ‘Sleeping With the Enemy.’
Strom Thurmond — ‘The Mummy.’
Pat Buchanan — ‘They Saved Hitler’s Brain.’
Monica Lewinsky — ‘Jaws.’
President Clinton — Francois Truffaut’s ‘The 400 Blows’”

(”Tonight Show,” NBC, 5/27).

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell
off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing
along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and
dragged him to shore. He was so thankful that he told each of them,

“Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you
deserve a reward.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!” “I’ll take you there
myself!!!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air
Jordan’s.” “I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill.

“And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom
speakers” the third boy says. The president looks at the boy and says, “But
son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.

“The boy says, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out that I saved you from
drowning!!”

A man goes to the White House Front Gate and asks to see
President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that
Clinton isn’t President any longer, please leave. The man
dutifully goes away.

The next day he comes back to the White House and asks
to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy
that Clinton is not the President any longer, please go
away. Again, the man goes away.

The third day he comes back again, and again the same Marine
is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton and the
Marine says, WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM?
CLINTON IS NOT THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!

The man smiles happily and says, I know, I just like hearing it!