This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
“I’m a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation,
and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.”
Useful Phrases for the workplace:
If you don’t know what it is, call it an ‘issue’…
If you don’t know how it works, call it a ‘process’…
If you don’t know whether its worth doing, call it an ‘option’…
If you don’t know how it could possibly be done call it a
‘challenge’ or an ‘exciting opportunity’…
If you want to confuse people, ask them about ‘customers’…
If you don’t know how to do something, ‘empower’ someone else
to do it for you…
If you can’t take decisions, ‘create space’ for others to operate…
If you need a decision, call a ‘workshop’ to ‘network’ and ‘ground
the issue’, followed by an ‘awayday’ to ‘position the elephant in
the room’ and achieve ‘buy-in’…
Never criticise or boast, call it ‘information sharing’…
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a ‘positive learning
experience’…
Never argue, have an ‘adult conversation’…
Some helpful pointers to get along at work:
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights…
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt…
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be
promoted…
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve
done and what you’re going to do…
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before…
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get…
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat…
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day…
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never
talking about themselves…
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being
a damn fool about it…
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office…
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back…
Everything can be filed under “pending.”…
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail
hour…
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy…
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she
is supposed to be doing…
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
the mail…
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it…
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk…
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t…
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done…
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying…
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried…
Following the rules will not get the job done…
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules…
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily
by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?”…
No matter how much you do, you never do enough…
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong…
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that
you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
What do you call a lezbian Eskimo?
- A klondike.
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,
which the father receives as “Father, your daughter has been successful
in BED.”
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a
telegram to his wife, “I wish you were here.”
The message received by wife, “I wish you were her.”
A wife, near the end of her pregnancy goes to the train station to
return to her husband. At the reservation counter, when her turn came,
there was only one ticket left.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the line ,she offered her
berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which read
as…
“Will be home tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old
lady.”
A man wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party.
So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says let’s put, “you are not getting
older you are getting better”.
The salesman asks “how do you want me to put it?”
The man says, Well put “You are not getting older” at the top and You
are getting better” at the bottom.
The real fun didnt start until the cake was opened.
The message decorated on the cake said “You are not getting older at the
top, You are getting better at the bottom.”
so be careful next time 
My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your
neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
OR
My mother taught me LOGIC - “Because I said so, that’s why.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes,
they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling
test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I
know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your
vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -”If you’re going
to kill each other, do it outside I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION - “You better pray that will come out of
the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: - “If you don’t straighten
up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
“My mother taught me FORESIGHT - “Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY - “Keep crying and I’ll give you something
to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - “Shut your mouth
and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - “Will you “look” at
the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA - “You’ll sit there ’till all that
spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER - “It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room.”
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - “If I yelled
because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN”?
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - “If I’ve told You once, I’ve
told you a million times - Don’t Exaggerate!!!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - “I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - “Stop acting like
your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY - “There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION - “Just wait until we get home.”
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING - “You are going to get it when
we get home!”
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -”You’re just like your father.”
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS - “Do you think you were born in
a barn?”
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -”When you get to be my age,
you will understand.”
And my all time favorite… JUSTICE - “One day you’ll have kids….and
I hope they turn out just like you!”
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of
nowhere, the following people found themsleves stranded
(each on separate islands):
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman,
2 French men and 1 French woman,
2 German men and 1 German woman,
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
2 English men and 1 English woman,
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman,
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman,
2 American men and 1 American woman & finally,
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman…
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands
in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
woman…
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in menage-a-trois…
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman…
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them…
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman…
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming…
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions…
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy / liquor store /
restaurant / laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their store…
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body,
the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do,
the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household
chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last
boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do,
and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at
least the taxes are low and it isn’t raining…
The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set
up distilleries. They do not remember if sex is in the picture
because it gets sort of foggy after the first few titers of coconut
whiskey. But they’re happy because at least the English aren’t
having any fun.
The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised
that he had only six month’s to live because of the terminal
disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The
Doctor suggested that he should get his house in order, make sure
his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in
place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what
might be left of his life, to the fullest. “What will you do for
the last six months?” Asked the Doctor. His patient thought for
a few minutes then replied, “I think I’ll go and live with my
mother-in-law.” Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, “Of
all people, why in the world would you want to live with your
mother-in-law?” The man then said, “Because it’ll be the longest
six months of my Life!”
AN OLD MAN, A BOY AND A DONKEY WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE
ON THE DONKEY AND THE OLD MAN WALKED.
AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO REMARKED THAT IT
WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING WHILE THE BOY WAS RIDING.
THE MAN AND BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO THEY
CHANGED POSITIONS.
LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO REMARKED, “WHAT A SHAME! HE
MAKES THAT LITTLE BOY WALK.” THEY DECIDED THEY BOTH WOULD WALK!
SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID
TO WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY TO RIDE. SO THEY BOTH RODE
THE DONKEY!
NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO SHAMED THEM BY SAYING, “HOW AWFUL
TO PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY!”
THE BOY AND MAN SAID THEY WERE PROBABLY RIGHT, SO THEY DECIDED TO
CARRY THE DONKEY.
AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST THEIR GRIP ON THE ANIMAL, AND
HE FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS
Dear Mr. Johnson:
Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have
to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let
me try and explain.
It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal 10-year-old
boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy.
We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with
swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music,
military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.
I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last
year. Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his
pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down
right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago.
I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAS HAPPENED. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See
for yourself.
These are some of my little Billy’s letters:
Letter # 1
———-
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only
good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best
time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 2
————-
Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the
night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. By the way, can you
make Szechwan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time
for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s
spell checked too.
Letter # 3
————-
Dear Mom, Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories
by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t
have much of a tan cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see
the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to
last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m OK, really.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 4
————-
Dear Mom, I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is
the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code.
It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Can you send more money?
I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk
to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.
Letter # 5
————-
Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not
pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got
into the university’s in less than 15 minutes. Frederick did it in
five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s
really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So,
I’m not.
Signed, William.
Letter # 6
————-
Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get
so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real.
Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on
them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all,
I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000.
Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home
until late August.
Regards, William.
Letter # 7
————-
Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only 10
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit
bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. OK?
I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this
interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.
What can I do, Mr. Johnson? See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since
I’ve heard from my little boy. I know that it’s probably too late to
save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save
JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do
so. Thank you very much.
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody,
Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would
do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that
Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed
Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.