Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?

A: Retardo.

A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car suddenly broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
The service man opened the hood and after a while the looked up and said, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
The man replied, “No, it’s just frost on my moustache.”

There was this Spanish guy, this Korean guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, “You’re in charge of the cement.”
Then he said to the Russian guy, “You’re in charge of the dirt.”
Then he said to the Korean guy, “You’re in charge of the supplies.”
Then he said, “I’m gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you’re fired.” So they all go off to go get their work done.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, “Good work,” to the Spanish guy.
Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, “Good work,” to the Russian guy.
Then he couldn’t find the Korean guy so he asks, “Where the heck is the Korean guy?”
All of a sudden, the Korean guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, ” SUPPLIES!”

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals.
The Chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, then we’ll eat you, and then we’ll use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman cries “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please.” The chief hands him a gun, the Englishman points it at his head saying “God save the Queen!”, and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says “Gimme a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over; the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing all over the place, it’s horrible.
The chief is appalled and asks, “God almighty, what are you doing?”
The New Yorker sneers and says, “So much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!”

A group of Asian women were visiting a village somewhere deep in Africa when they came across a trader selling human breasts.
One of the Asian ladies asked the trader, “Why are you selling women’s breasts?”
The trader replied, “Locally, we have found that consuming the flesh of a woman’s breast can increase men’s sex drive, and enlarge the size of their penis.”
Hearing with interest about the ‘enlarging the penis’ the Asian woman was determined to buy some for her husband. She quickly asks the butcher for the price of the breast.
“Well,” says the butcher, “It depends on what kind of breast you want. We have black breast, white breast, and Asian breast.”
“Give me the price of each.” said the Asian lady impatiently.
“The black breasts are $200 a pound,” the butcher says, “white breasts are $300 a pound, and the Asian breasts are $400 a pound.”
The Asian women were glad to hear that Asian breasts were the most expensive in the breast booth.
“Hey, not bad! Asian breasts are worth more!”, said one of the Asian ladies.
“No no no, you don’t understand,” the trader explains, “you don’t know how many Asian women we have to kill to get one pound of breast!”

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, “Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English.”
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, “This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English.”
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, “My good man, didn’t the English win any battles around here?”
“Not when I’m driving the bus” was the response.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly, “in this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man, “Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, “I believe it’s thinking, ’cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain.”
Second cowboy says, “Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed.”
Third cowboy says, “Well, I think it’s light, ’cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light.”
Fourth cowboy says, “Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea.”
All the others ask simultaneously, “Diarrhea? Why?”
Fourth cowboy says, “I’ll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe’s cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which I suspect had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before.”
First cowboy asks, “So, what’s that got to do with speed or diarrhea?”
Fourth cowboy says, “Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn on that goddamn light….”

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
“Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don’t send any Jews. Please, no Jews.”
The lieutenant replied, “No problem ma’am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness.”
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang.
She was surprised to see four black recruits. “But… But… There must be some mistake,” she stammered.
One of them replied, “No ma’am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn’t make mistakes.”

1. I thought Graceland was tacky.

2. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.

3. Do you think my hair is too big?

4. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

5. The tires on that truck are too big.

6. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.

7. Do you think this ball cap goes with this shirt?

8. Damned if that polititian ain’t honest!

9. We’re vegetarians. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

10. You can’t feed that to the dog.