Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin’ and a shakin’. The first flea asked, “What the hell happened to you?”

To which the second flea replied “I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I’m so very coldddd!”

The first flea said, “Don’t you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the mens cammode, wait for a young pilot to come along, and when he sits down you climb right up between his butt cheeks where its nice and warm”.

The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin’, shakin’, and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed “Didn’t you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?”

To which the second flea replied, “I did just as you said; I went to the mens cammode and this pilot came in and sat down, I climbed right up between his butt cheeks and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

Three guys go to see a witch doctor about their problems.

One has a smoking problem, one is an alcholic and one is gay but wants to change.

The docter puts a curse on them that if any of them indulge their habits again they will die.

Two days later the alcholic dies because he gave in and had to drink.

The next day the gay guy and the smoker are walking down the street together. The smoker sees a cigarette lying and the ground and stops to stare at ir.

The gay guy looked at him and said “if you bend over and pick that up we are both fucked”

Four gay guys walk into a gay bar and they find a problem. There’s only one stool left.

One guy says “Lets flip for it”

But another says “No, Lets flip it over”

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”

The man says, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

The man looks up and says, “Apprently my wife does.”

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how handsome John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns’ sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Mark, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom”

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks.

The drill sergeant walks in and bellows, “This is an inspection! I wanna see you’s all formed up outside butt naked NOW!”

So, the soldier’s quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks.

The sarge walked out and yells, “Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!” So they close in slightly…

The captain comes along with his swagger stick.

He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. “DID THAT HURT?” he yells.

“No, Sir!” came the reply.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man.

He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

“Did THAT hurt?”

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a U.S. Marine, Sir!”

Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

“Did THAT hurt?”

“No, Sir!”

“Why not?”

“Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!”

What a drag it is getting old…

When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He said: “I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!” He continued; “He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.”

I said: “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said: “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon.”

I said: “Well, so why are you crying?”

He said: “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am.”

I said: “Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!”

And he said: “I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!”

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understand every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer; can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer.”

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He’s funny; he’s interesting; he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your lover and the mailman.”

“What?” asks the guy.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!” the guy says. “Then what?”

“Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down.” The parrot pauses for a long time…

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“That’s what pisses me off. I don’t know.” said the parrott. “I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch.”

A man came home just in time to find his lover in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged his lover down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The lover terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off are you?”

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, “I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass…seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He’s got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard’s pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says “I thought you understood the plan!”

The second lover said, “I did! I did exactly what you said!”

“No, you idiot,” he replied. “You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!”