Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up
to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately,
it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes
looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with
this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right
beside him.

“Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor
little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you
caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant
you three wishes.” The man says, “I can’t take anything from
you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says “Well, he was
a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do
something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would
want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a
great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on
the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into
the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds
the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf
game is?” The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every
time.” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. Might I ask
how your money is holding out?”

The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I
put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”
The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you, too. And
might I ask how your sex life is?”

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe
once or twice a week.” The leprechaun is floored and stammers,

“Once or twice a week? Is that all?!”

The golfer looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad
for a horny priest in a small parish!”

Bubba was from Tennessee and is a hard-shell Southern Baptist.
He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there
betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a
priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one
of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, this horse — a very long shot — won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as
the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on
the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the
window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though
another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse
the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was
elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of
the horses, and it always came in first.

Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race,
he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a
quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest’s
blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his
pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last
race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of
the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last.
He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he
found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you
blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse
and he lost.

Now I’ve lost my savings, thanks to you!!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you
Protestants……
you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the
Last Rites.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so
bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.

“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t
you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,”
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

There’s a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he’s a golf
fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He
gets up very early and golfs all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses
quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his
car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather
channel. From there he finds that it’s supposed to be bad weather
all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly
undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his
wife’s back, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She replies, “I know. And can you believe my stupid husband
is actually out there golfing?”

These are interesting trivia facts!

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.
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2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
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3. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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4. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
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5 The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this…)
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6. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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7. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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8. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000
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9. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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10. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in
1910.
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11. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
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12. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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13. Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
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14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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16. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a
result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.
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17. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July
4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed
on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years
later.
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18. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
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19. Hershey’s Kisses are called that because the machine that makes
them looks like it’s kissing the conveyor belt.
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20. No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever
won a Super bowl.
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21. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the
day after the Major League all-stars Game.
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22. Q. What separates “60 Minutes,” on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song
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23. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.
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24. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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25. Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to
go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand
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26. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers,
and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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27. Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey
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28. Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day
of the year?
A. Father’s Day
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29. Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is
the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
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30. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
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31. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making
the bed firmer to sleep on.
-Hence the phrase “goodnight, sleep tight”.
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32. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for
a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his
son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer
and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called
the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
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33. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where
we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”
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34. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed
a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. “Wet your
whistle” is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
35. In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen
Only Ladies Forbidden. and thus the word GOLF entered into the
English language.

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at
7:00 a.m. Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out
of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome.
A woman standing near the tee said, “Hey, I like to golf. May I
join the group?” They were hesitant, but said she could come once
to try it,and they would see what they thought. They all agreed and
she said, “Good,I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record
with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the
clubhouse congratulated her. Mean while, she was fun and pleasant
the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week
and she said,”Sure, I’ll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.”

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she
played left handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous
week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join
the group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her,
“How do you decide if you’re > going to golf right-handed or
left-handed?”

She said, “That’s easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull
the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his ‘you know
what’ is pointing to the right,I golf right-handed; if it’s pointed
to the left, I golf left-handed.”

One ofthe guys asked, “What if it’s pointed straight up?”

She said, “Then I’ll be here at 6:45.”

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when
she collapsed from a heart attack.

“Please dear, I need help.” she said.

The husband ran off saying “I’ll go get some help.”

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began
to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, “I may
be dying and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said
he will come and help you.”

“The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???”

“I told you not to worry,” he said, practice stroking his
putt….”Everyone’s already agreed to let him play through.”

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad
I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.

“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t
you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,”
Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and
the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of, or behind others others.
9. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.

Very good. Now flush and get out there on the course. . .

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman
runs across the fairway and into the woods. Two men in white coats
and another guy carrying a two buckets of sand are chasing her,
and a little old man is bringing up the rear. One of the golfers
grabs the old man and says, “What the hell is going on?”
The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps
trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.”
The golfer says, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”
The old guy says, “That’s his handicap. He caught her last time.”