Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off.

His girlfriend asks, ‘What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?’

The guys tells her, ‘If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.’ She agrees, but asks, ‘What if someone sees us below the car?’

The guy tells her, ‘Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.’

So under the car they go, and have the time of their life.

Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, ‘What the hell do you think you are doing?’ So the couple give him the answer saying, ‘We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.’

The cop shouts back at them, ‘You should have checked your brakes first. You car has rolled down the slope!’

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, ‘Boss when I went to the lift it said ‘during an emergency please use the staircase’!!!

Laloo Yadav was at a convention about the paranormal, ghosts, strange happenings and the people who had experienced them. After a while, the speaker asked the people in attendance, ‘How many people have actually seen a ghost?’

Almost all the people in the room raised their hands.

A short time later, he asked, ‘How many people here have actually communicated with a ghost?’

About a third of the room raised their hands to answer.

Then finally, the speaker asked, ‘How many of you have made love to a ghost?’

This time, only Laloo raised his hand. The speaker was shocked and walked to up to Laloo and asked ‘You have actually made love to a ghost?!’

Laloo replied, ‘?!?! I thought you said GOAT!!’

‘Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?’ the suspicious wife sneered.

‘No, I can’t,’ the husband replied. ‘I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.’

A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the chemist if he can give him something to relieve it, and the chemist says: ‘Well, I could give you any number of things but they won’t really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have.’

‘Really? What’s that?’ asks the man.

‘I go straight home and have sex with my wife. I suggest you try that.’

‘Sounds great!’ says the man, ‘Is your wife home now?’

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. ‘Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!’

‘But why, Mom? I don’t want to go.’

‘Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.’

‘Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!’

‘Oh, that’s no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.’

‘Give me two reasons why I should go to school.’

‘Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!’

Newlyweds Santa Singh and Jaspinder were on their honeymoon trip and were driving down in their car to Chandigarh from their little town in Punjab.

They are nearing Chandigarh when Santa Singh puts his hand on Jaspinder’s knee. Giggling, Jaspinder says shyly, ‘Oye Santaji, you can go farther than that if you want to…’

So Santa Singh drives to Shimla.

Gullu Bhai was sitting on his porch, when this man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

‘What can I do for you?’ Gullu politely asked. ‘Are you selling something?’

‘No, sir, I’m not. I’m a Census Taker.’

‘A what?’

‘A Census Taker. We’re trying to find out how many people there are in India.’

‘You’re wasting your time here. I have no idea.’

Santa Singh, Banta Singh, and Ghanta Singh escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Santa, ‘Jump! Jump! It’s your only chance to survive!’

Santa jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away… Santa slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

‘C’mon! Jump! You gotta jump!’ say the firemen to the Banta. ‘Oh no! You’re gonna pull the blanket away!’ says Banta. ‘No! We like you! Just jump!’

‘OK’ says Santa and jumps.

SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he’s flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, Ghanta steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell ‘Jump! You have to jump!’

‘No way! You’re just gonna pull the blanket away!’ yelled Ghanta.

‘No! Really! You have to jump! We won’t pull the blanket away!’

‘Look,’ Ghanta Singh says, ‘nothing you say is gonna convince me that you’re not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it…’

A census taker in a rural Indian village went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, ‘Lets see now, there’s the twins, Ballu and Lallu, they’re eighteen. And the twins, Seeta and Geeta, they’re sixteen. And the twins, Ram and Shyam, they’re fourteen.’

‘Hold on!’ said the census taker, ‘Did you get twins every time?’

The woman answered, ‘Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn’t get anything!’