Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed
by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

It’s the first day of school in Houston and the teacher
thought she’d get to know the kids by asking them their
name and what their fathers do for a living.

The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy
is a postman.”

The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is
a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men.”

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later
in the schoolyard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and
asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay
bar. He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad is an auditor
for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat.
“The secret,” she said, “is to get the left part of the
zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

The boy looked at her quizzically… “Why does it have to
be a secret?”

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked
her class to look at TV commercials and see if they
could use them in some way to communicate ideas
about God. Here are some of the results:

GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN …. He works miracles.
GOD is like a FORD ……….. He’s got a better idea.
GOD is like COKE …………. He’s the real thing.
GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS … He cares enough to send His very best.
GOD is like TIDE …………. He gets the stains out that others
leave behind.
GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC.. He brings good things to life.
GOD is like SEARS ………… He has everything.
GOD is like LIFE CEREAL……. Try Him, you’ll like Him.
GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE …… You can’t see Him, but you know He’s
there.
GOD is like DELTA ………… He’s ready when you are.
GOD is like ALLSTATE ……… You’re in good hands with Him.
GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY .. He holds through all kinds of weather.
GOD is like DIAL SOAP …….. Aren’t you glad you have Him. Don’t
you wish everybody did?

There is a famous saying which states that “necessity is
the mother of invention”, however the inventions on this
list seem far from necessary.

**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when
you’re fifty?

**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.

**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.

**Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not
meant to be.

**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

**Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.

**The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

**Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

**Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a
pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

**Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

**Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

What do you call a bald hare?
A hareless

What do you get if you cross a giant Easter egg with a ride on a rollercoaster?
An upset tummy!

How does the Easter Bunny like his eggs?
Bunny side up

Knock knock
Who’s there?
It’s egg
It’s egg who?
It’s egg-stremely chilly out here, will you just let me in please?!

What do you get if, on a boiling summer’s day, you seal up the windows of a convent with superglue?
Hot cross nuns

Where does the Easter Bunny buy his clothes?
Hop Shop

How many bunnies does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why bother when you can see in the dark?

What’s a chocolate drop?
Depends what it was carrying

Where does the Easter Bunny go on his holidays?
Bunnydorm

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think my head’s turning into an egg!
Doctor (puzzled): Hmm, let me take a look and see if I can crack it.

Which famous bunny has his own daytime chat show?
Rabbit Kilroy-Silk

Who is the Easter Bunny’s favourite comedian?
Harey Hill

Why couldn’t the Frenchman finish his Easter dinner?
He’d just had an oeuf.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Easter
Easter who?
Easter doorbell working properly? There was no answer so I thought I’d better knock!

What do you get if you cross the presenter of a Channel 5 karaoke show with a floppy-eared, carrot-munching, cartoon character?
Suggs Bunny

What’s so good about an Easter egg hunt?
It’s egg-sighting!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not
swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Q: What do the KKK and Steroids have in common?
A: They both make black men run faster!

What’s the difference between a Nigger and Batman?
Batman can go into town without Robin!

What do you get when you cross a nigger and a chink?
A ape that eats a hell of a lot of rice.

Why don’t niggers celebrate Thanksgiving.?
Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t open on holidays

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions
about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the
Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or
corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called
Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebe like
Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with
the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others
before they do one to you. He also explained, “a man doth not live by
sweat alone.”

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which
is another name for marriage.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”