A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet .
She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?”
He repies , “In the bedroom.”
“But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks.
“fuck it , I got used to you , he will too ! !”
HOW TO SAY, “I LOVE YOU” IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . Je T’aime
German . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese. . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina,
Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky:
… Nice Tits!
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.
6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class
Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.
3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.
2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
Potential terrorist threat in the South
The governors of Alabama, Georgia and Tennessee would like to
announce that they have made a disturbing discovery in the
their states. Apparently, a small number of terrorists became
romantically involved with the locals. The result was not pretty,
and we now have the sad task of reporting a new sector of the
human race — ISLAMABUBBAS So far, only a smattering of actual
births have been reported, and we are hard at work trying to
isolate and seal them off. To date, we have identified the
following:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Bout It
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Charlene Atat
Betty Jean Hashbeen Badgirl
Linda Sue Bin There Dunthat
Not surprisingly, they all seem to have sprung from one couple:
Mohammed Who’s-Ya-Daddy and Yo Mama Bin Lovin
Little David comes home from first grade and tell his father that
the class learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since
Valentine’s day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish, “he asks,”
will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
David’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” David says. “Why Osama Bin Laden,” his father asks
in shock. “Well,” David says, “I thought that if a little American
Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving
people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d
love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to
tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone
anymore.”
His father’s heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound
pride.
“David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.” “I know,”
David says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him.”
12. Ahhh! Yoda’s little friend you seek!
11. Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must.
10. Feel the force!
9. Foreplay, cuddling. A Jedi craves not these things.
8. Down here I am. Find a ladder I must!
7. Do me or do me not, there is no try.
6. Early must I rise. Leave now you must!
5. You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz’s hand
up my ass.
4. Happens to every guy sometimes this does.
3. When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmm?
2. Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!
1. Who’s your Jedi Master? Who’s your Jedi Master?
A male chauvinist told his buddy, “I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.”
His buddy asked, “Oh? Why do you wonder about that?”
To which he replied, “Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!”
Too hot for clothes
“It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.
“Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” the wife replied.
Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather
stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for
an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following
their leads.
He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker
towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?” Joe thought this
was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out
some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.
Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his
young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”
A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it’s a pet .
She asks , “Where are you going to keep it?”
He repies , “In the bedroom.”
“But what about that horrible nasty smell?’ , she asks.
“fuck it , I got used to you , he will too ! !”
20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE’S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN’T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World’s Number One Shortest book…
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson