There’s a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman’s husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife’s vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened. “I’m not sure, but I think she choked”.
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year old said, “have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out.”
“Heck, that’s nothing,” said the eighty-year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.
“You think you’ve got problems,” said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is that I don’t wake up until 11:30.
There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it’s time to promote one of them, but they’re all so competent he’s not sure which to choose. So he devises a little test. One day while they’re all at lunch, he places £800 on each of their desks.
#1 returns it to him immediately.
#2 invests in the market and returns £1500 to him the next morning.
#3 pockets the money.
Who got the promotion? The one with the big tits.
This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing ‘em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there’s a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
“Name’s Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge…havin’ a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”
“Great,” Sam says, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Enoch is leaving he stops. “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem…after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them.”
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Damn!” Sam thinks, “tough crowd…sounds like the Redwood Run.” “Well,” he says, “I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties too.”
“Now that is not a problem,” says Sam, “remember, I’ve been alone for six months. I’ll definitely be there! By the way…what should I wear to the party?”
Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want…it’s just gonna be the two of us.”
A man went into a bar after work one day, and after a few beers he noticed a man passed out in the corner. After an hour or so the fellow was still very drunk and incoherant, so, being a nice guy, the first man decided to take him home. He looked up the drunk’s address in his wallet, then started struggling to get the man out to his car. Dragging, heaving, and finally carrying him over his shoulder, he finally reached his car, then proceeded to repeat the process in front of the drunk’s house. When he rang the door bell a pleasant looking woman answered. “Oh, thank you so much for bringing him home,” she said. “But where’s his wheelchair?”
A guy gets a job working in Alaska at a remote oil pumping station. When he gets there he notices that there are no women for hundreds of miles. As soon as he got the opportunity he asked his supervisor what they did for women. “Well,” replied the supervisor. “We really have no access to women. If you feel the urge there is a barrel with a hold in it behind the building. You can use the hole.” A few days later the guy is feeling horny and decides to give the hole in the barrel a try. It is the best sex he has ever had. The following day he is talking with his supervisor and tells him that the hole in the barrel was great. “It’s so good I’m going to use it every day,” he exclaimed. “Every day but Thursday,” replied the supervisor. “What’s wrong with Thursday?” “Thursday is your day in the barrel.”
A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by a bus stop. “Hello, I must say, you are about the most beautiful women I have ever met.” “Thank you very much, replied the women.” The guy quickly follows up, “I was wondering if you’d sleep with me for a million dollars?” “A million dollars!” the girl responds. She thinks for a moment and answers, “yes, I would sleep with you for a million dollars.” “How about five bucks,” responds the guy. “Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think I am?” “We’ve already determined that,” he replies. “Now we are just haggling over the cost”.
Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said “That was fast.” “Well I need to take a shit but I’ve got nothing to wipe my ass with.” The other answers, “That’s easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it.” “O.K.” he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says “That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I’ve got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!”
Three men are on the long staircase up to heaven and are stopped by God. He asks the first, how many times have you cheated on your wife ?”. The man guiltily looks at God and says “Eight times oh lord…”. God replies “You will be punished, you must drive this Yugo around heaven”. God then looks at the next man and asks the same, to which the response is “Only twice oh lord”, “Twice is enough” says God “you will be restricted to this Honda, that’s not bad thinks the man happily. The last man is asked the same and he proudly answers never, God says “you are a good man, you will have this Ferrari to drive”, but on turning to give the man the keys, he sees the man is crying, “Why do you cry my child ?”. “I’ve just seen my wife go by on Roller Skates.”
A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he’s there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, “Man, I sure wish I could do that.” The dog owner says, “Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first.”
A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery. she asked a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer’s last stand for the grand opening of the Gallery. On the day of the grand opening, the lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp… It was a painting with a pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of Indians having sex in the background. She confronted the painter, asking what the meaning of this was… He replied that he did a lot of research on Custer’s last words, and found that they were, “Holy shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!”
What does a hillbillies girl and the “Una bomber” have in common?
They’ve both been fingered by their brother!
A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her the part showing only from the waste up.His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, “thanks for the picture. Can you grandma have one too?” The guy thought, since grandma can’t see well, I’ll just give her the bottom half, and he sent it. After getting her grandson’s picture, she wrote to him and said, “nice picture, but your hairstyle sure makes you nose look long.”
A guy got a sunburn while at a nude beach. Later, he found having sex to be extremely painful, so he went to the kitchen, poured a glass of milk, and inserted his dick in the glass. His girlfriend came into the kitchen and said, “I’ve always wanted to know how men reload that thing.”
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? “You know we do taste like chicken”.
An inquisitive young man was on a flight to Hawaii and having a few drinks to celebrate he upcoming vacation. He became alarmed when he found that the men’s bathroom was out-of-order. He asked the flight attendant for admittance to the ladies’ room. “Certainly,” said the attendant, “as long as you don’t touch the WW button, the PP button, or the ATR button.” Of course the young man agreed.
No sooner had he relieved himself when curiosity go the better of him and he pressed the WW button. He enjoyed the sensation of warm water being sprayed up onto his ass. This first experiment was so pleasant that he had no hesitation in reaching for the PP button, and was rewarded by the soft pat of powder puff on his ass. It felt so good that he pressed the ATR button.
The next thing he knew he was waking up in a bright, white room with a nurse standing over his bedside. “What happened?” he asked groggily.
“You pushed the WW button, right?” said the nurse, with a knowing look in her eye.
“Yes,” he replied.
“You also pushed the PP button, am I right?”
“Yes, again,” he responded.
“And then you pushed the ATR button, am I correct?”
“Yeah, so?”
“ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. By the way, your penis is in a jar on the cabinet.”
A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment. When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other ones exposed ass. When the policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states, “My friend here is very drunk and I’m trying to make him throw up”. The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass! to which the drunk replies, “When I put this finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw up!”
Q. Why do married men like blowjobs so much?
A. 15 minutes of silence.
How do you make a bitch scream twice during sex?
Fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q. Did you hear about the circumsizer who missed?
A. He got the sack.
Q. What’s the difference between Paula Yates and the England cricket team?
A. Paula Yates has more chance of bringing home the ashes.
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round”. The other one says “so are you, you fat bastard!”
Patient : Doctor, you’ve got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what’s wrong with me?
Doctor : Yes … you’re fucking crackers.
A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex Statistics. ‘Any good?’, he asks. ‘Fascinating - American Indians have the widest penises, and Polish men the longest. By the way, I’m Jane.’ ‘Hi,’ he says. ‘I’m Tonto Palawlask’.
THE VOODOO DICK! - supplied by Dave Haydon
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick, except-” and he stopped. “Except what?” the man asked. “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the “Voodoo dick.”
“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.” The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said “Voodoo dick, get back in your box!”
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
“I’ll take it!” said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but he finally surrendered to £500 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say “Voodoo dick, my pussy.”
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn’t stop screwing her.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said “Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygeine and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches…” “The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need: a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman: “I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure . . ”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see . . . .34 sleeve and 18½ neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure . . . ”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see . . . 9 and ½…. Wide.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right , how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure . . . ”
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see . . . 7 5/8″
Joe was incredulous. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second, and said, “Sure . . . ”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…. size 36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”
A virgin girl gets married to a guy (Ian Horne) who is renowned in the village for being particularly well endowed. She’s a bit nervous about the wedding night and explains this to her new husband. Being sympathetic he works a way round it - he’ll show her his dick bit by bit. So, the wife’s lying in bed when she suddenly sees three inches of dick poking round the door. “Are you sure you’re not nervous yet?” her husband asks. “No, I’m ok” she replies. Another six inches of dick comes poking round the door, “Are you still ok?”"Yes” she replies. When a further foot appears round the door she says, “I’m still not nervous”.
“Okay” her husband replies. “Then I’m coming up the stairs!”
A DEPRESSED young woman was so desperate that she decides to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she goes down to the docks to do the deed, a handsome young sailor notices her tears and takes pity on her. “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for,” he says, ” I’m off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day”. Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulder and adds, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy”.The girl dries her tears and nods. After all, what does she have to loose? That night, the sailor takes her onboard and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night from then on, he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they make passionate love until dawn.Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the Captain.
“What are you doing here?” he asks.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailor’s,” she explains. “He’s taking me to America and he’s screwing me”.
“He certainly is,” says the Captain. “This is the Dover-Calais ferry!!”