Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”

The general said, “Drive on!”

The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”

The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?”

Hit Television Shows in Iraq:

“Husseinfeld”
“Mad About Everything”
“U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
“Suddenly Sanctions”
“Allah McBeal”
“Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest”
“Matima Loves Chachi”
“The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
“Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs”
“Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
“Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
“Achmed’s Creek”
“The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
“Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque”
“When Kurds Attack”
“Just Shoot Me”
“My Two Baghdads”
“Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
“Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah”
“Totally Clothed Baywatch”

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, ‘Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?’

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, ‘If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.’
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Bring me my brown pants!’

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

“Hey johnson!” yelled the drill instructor, ” those are the ugliest shoes i’ve ever seen! ”
“Yes, sir” the young man answered.

“Those shoes are really really ugly, right?” hollered the D.I again
“Yes, sir!”

“And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?”
“Yes, sir”, answered the recruit.
“So why didnt you get a haircut?”
“I was saving up for shoes, sir!”

Military training:

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

“You simpleton!” the officer barked. “Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”

“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically. “But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it!”

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in
battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his
bedside. “So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?”

The doctor says, “Son, we have some good news and some bad news.”

“Yeah, what?” replies the patient.

“Well the good news is that we were able to save your private
parts.”

“Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?”

“We put them under your pillow!”

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked.

The lady was insulted. “You Americans are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down” he said.

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant” she said.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.”
#2: “Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”

#1: “This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”
#2: “No, I say again divert YOUR course.”

#1: “This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!”
#2: “This is a lighthouse. Your call?”

The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer’s last thoughts.

Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.

After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

The artist said, “You asked for a painting of Custer’s last thoughts,” he explained. “That’s it. Custer was thinking, ‘Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?’”