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    Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

    August 22, 2005

    encounter a crisis

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:39 pm

    A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, “I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can’t solve.”
    Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says “Blame your predecessor!” He does this and gets off the hook.

    About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize!” This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

    Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says “Prepare three envelopes”.

    • • •
     

    August 17, 2005

    Meet me for lunch!

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:32 pm

    The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

    After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

    “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

    After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered -
    “I guess you’d be eating alone!”

    • • •
     

    Human Resources Memo!

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:30 pm

    TO: All Employees
    FROM: Human Resources

    It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

    Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

    TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

    TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
    INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

    TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

    TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

    TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
    INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

    TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
    INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

    TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

    TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

    TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

    TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
    INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

    TRY SAYING: I see.
    INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

    TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
    INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

    TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

    TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

    TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

    TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

    • • •
     

    How To Screw Up An Interview

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:29 pm

    We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of
    those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch.

    If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

    1. “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

    2. “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

    3. ” A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

    4. “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

    5. “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

    6. “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

    7. “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

    8. “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

    9 . “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

    10. “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

    11. “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

    12. “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

    13. “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

    14. “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?”

    I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more.

    15. “His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

    16. “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

    17. “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

    18. “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

    • • •
     

    More Office Wisdom…

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:22 pm

    A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

    After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

    Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

    Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

    If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

    If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

    It doesn’t matter what you do; it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

    The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

    There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

    When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

    You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

    • • •
     

    Punctuation Changes!

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:21 pm

    Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes…

    Dear Thomas,

    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

    Maria

    <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

    Dear Thomas,

    I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

    Maria

    • • •
     

    Good News At Work

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:20 pm

    A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

    Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”

    Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”

    Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”

    Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”

    • • •
     

    Fired Up

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:20 pm

    A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

    As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she’s ever held.

    “I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible.
    You’ve been fired from every job.”
    “Yes,” says the lady.
    “Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”

    “Well, ” says the woman as she pokes the application.
    “At least I’m not a quitter!”

    • • •
     

    Job Interview No-No’s!

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:14 pm

    If ya really want that new job, you may want to avoid saying these:

    “You could do worse.”
    “I’ll work so hard you won’t even know I’m there.”
    “I’ll need all my paid vacation time up front so I’ll be rested when I start.”
    “You can’t turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason.”
    “If you call the people I listed as references, please call my parole officer last.”
    “That big thing growing on my face isn’t my fault.”
    “I don’t do drugs at work any more. And I probably won’t”
    “I can go all day without peeing once.”
    “If you hired my dumbass brother then you can surely hire me.”
    “If you hire me I promise not to say anything about the your wicked bad breath.”
    “I won’t sue you when you fire me.”
    “My arrest record is all a bunch of lies.”
    “Iff you kin reed my handriting, ain’t that gud enuff fer me to get the job?
    “I was a sniper in the Army.”
    “The only reason my grades in High School was so bad was because all the teachers thought I was stupid because I didn’t pass the tests. They wasn’t being fair to me because they don’t like me.”
    “I can make explosives from Windex, white-out, and copy machine toner.”
    “If you hire me you can blow your nose on my sleeve any time you want to.”
    “I’ll need a company car and a driver because I can’t legally drive anywhere in the Western Hemisphere except Cuba and it sucks to go there.”
    “If you hire me don’t tell the Welfare until I get my Jeep paid off.”
    “The sticky stuff on my sleeve isn’t what you think.”
    “You don’t have the BALLS to hire someone like me!”
    “If you hire me I will show up. That’s all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try.”
    “When do we eat?”
    “How long do I have to work here before I can collect unemployment again?”
    “Don’t go checking into my record, but if you do, she swore she was 18.”
    “I don’t hear the voices anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!!!”
    “If you give me a job you’re OK but if you don’t you suck.”
    “I don’t DO applications.”
    “If I work here I’ll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want.”
    “This will be my first job since the Beatles broke up because they really pissed me off!”
    “I won’t have to do anything, will I”
    “If I get sick on the job, will I have to clean up my own puke?”
    “Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?”
    “I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?”
    “I’m not what? Oh yeah? Well here’s what you can do with your friggin’ job…”

    • • •
     

    Some shorties…one rude :)

    Filed under: Office Jokes — webmaster @ 3:13 pm

    Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
    A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

    Q: Why don’t they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
    A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

    A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

    The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she’s history.

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