Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.
Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled,
“STOP! Acts 2:38!” (”Repent and be baptized, every one of you,
in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.”)
As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several
officers arrived and took the man into custody.
As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the
officers asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did
was mention a scripture verse.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar.
“She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

2. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their
toes with your rocker.

3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.

4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want
people to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren’t paved.

5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is
that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no,
and when to say WHOOPEE!

6. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up
or leaks.

9. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.

10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the
tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.

12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that
it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait
until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a
succession of jerks.

14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled,
and blind they don’t recognize you.

16. If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

17. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget
to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper
down.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
7) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
9) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s (or Grandma’s)
lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re
down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . . not wetting your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex. or not!
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not wetting your pants.

a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as ‘dressed up.’
j. You’re the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer ‘pretty good stuff’.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ding Dongs.
w. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you.

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when
Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet.
He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said
“I don’t think you should take one; they’re very strong and very
expensive.”
“How much?” asked Grandpa.
$10.00 a pill answered the son.
“I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d like to try one, and I’ll leave
the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill.”
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to
Grandpa, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.”
“I know,” said Grandpa. “The extra hundred is from Grandma.”

Some “Senior” personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim,5′-4″
(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband
looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel
candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you
were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and
listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running
condition, but walks well.

(Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?)

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes
when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the
lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family
members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows
on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so
again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again
grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold
her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said,
“Hi Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note
to the nephew, “They won’t let me fart.”

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re getting old. Squash their toes
with your rocker.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people
to know why I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren’t paved.

Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that
time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when
to say WHOOPEE!

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think
of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth,
silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the
age of 80 and gradually approach 18 (except for Algebra.)

Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a
succession of jerks.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything
to laugh at when you are old.

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking.
He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed,
crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into
the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was
just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As
he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind,
his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, “Why did you do that?”

“Those are for the funeral.”

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the
doctor again, the Doc said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said doctor, ‘Get a hot mamma
and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you got a heart murmur.
Be careful!”