Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

Er…um…zee tezt rezults show you are NOT a vampyre. Really! You’re probably just pale becauze of…uh…anemia! Ya…zat’s zee ticket! Could you possibly anzwer a few little queztions below und zend zem to me,
zee Vampyre Hunter? Preferably before zee next zunrrrrize?

1. Vhat is your EXACT address?
2. Vhat is your vork address, und your hours of vork?
3. Vhat routes do you travel to and from vork?
4. Do any of your friends/neighbors have bazements, vine cellars or underground bomb shelters, und if so, vhat is their address?
5. Vhat is your auto’s make, model, year, und color, und vhat is your license plate number?
6. Have you recently experienced an aversion to zunlight?
7. Do you find it difficult to locate yourzelf in zee mirror?
8. Do you prefer zleeping in cloze quarterz?
9. Have you grown increeezingly pale, yet zuffer not from pigment deficiencies?
10. Iz your dentist unuzually giddy lately vhen you make appointments?
11. Do you ever feel as though you’re being followed by a pack of wild dogs? Then, realize it’s YOU following THEM?
12. Are you zee envy of your friendz for being the first to own some of zose cool amber-colored contact lenses, only you don’t WEAR contactz?
Know a vampyre? Enter zeir name/email address here

There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was BLACK:
1. He called everyone “brother.”
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.
4.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was INDIAN:
1. He went into His Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2: He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

AMEN

Er…um…zee tezt rezults show you are NOT a vampyre. Really! You’re probably just pale becauze of…uh…anemia! Ya…zat’s zee ticket! Could you possibly anzwer a few little queztions below und zend zem to me,
zee Vampyre Hunter? Preferably before zee next zunrrrrize?

1. Vhat is your EXACT address?
2. Vhat is your vork address, und your hours of vork?
3. Vhat routes do you travel to and from vork?
4. Do any of your friends/neighbors have bazements, vine cellars or underground bomb shelters, und if so, vhat is their address?
5. Vhat is your auto’s make, model, year, und color, und vhat is your license plate number?
6. Have you recently experienced an aversion to zunlight?
7. Do you find it difficult to locate yourzelf in zee mirror?
8. Do you prefer zleeping in cloze quarterz?
9. Have you grown increeezingly pale, yet zuffer not from pigment deficiencies?
10. Iz your dentist unuzually giddy lately vhen you make appointments?
11. Do you ever feel as though you’re being followed by a pack of wild dogs? Then, realize it’s YOU following THEM?
12. Are you zee envy of your friendz for being the first to own some of zose cool amber-colored contact lenses, only you don’t WEAR contactz?
Know a vampyre? Enter zeir name/email address here

In a small town in England, there is a small store. And
in the store is a magic Mirror of Truth. If you go up to
it and tell the truth, you get a shiny piece of gold. But
if you lie, you disappear. A very ugly brunette came in,
stood in front of the Mirror of Truth and said, “I think
I am the prettiest woman in all of England!” And poof,
she disappeared. Next came a very ugly redhead. She stood
before the Mirror of Truth and said, “I think I am the
prettiest woman in all of England.” Poof! She disappeared!

Then a drop-dead gorgeous Blonde came into the store. She
stood before the Mirror of Truth and said, “I think…” Poof!
She disappeared.

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they
have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the
meeting hall and states,

“I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.”

Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first,
so the Pope tells them,

“Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgment
is at hand, and our faith in His existence is justified.”

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks
up, asking what the terrible news is.

The Pope replies, “He was calling from Salt Lake City.”

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please
remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,
do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something
for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time,
not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying
about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present
in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don’t despair. There are people
in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of
work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person
who has never known what it’s like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman
in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed
her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;
Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that
walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer
patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about,
asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn’t live
long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people’s bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse.
You could be one of them!

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have
touched their life in ways you will never know

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach,
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would
live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald’s.
And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said,
“Supersize them.” And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
with which to cook them.”
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went
through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those
extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man
gained pounds.
And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat
and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center
into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream
dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato
chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO’s.

One fine day this beautiful young girl was walking through the
woods picking flowers and wild mushrooms for her mother. After
some time she felt weary and decided to rest by the pond. Under
the shade of the big oak tree she admired the water lillies and
the beauty that surrounded her and began to snooze.

She was awakened by the sound of a frog croaking, “Excuse me”
Said the frog. ” I was once a beautiful Prince and lived in a
big castle until a wicked witch cast a spell upon me. If you
kiss me tenderly on my lips I would turn back to my former beauty
and we could marry and live in my castle, where you could wash
my clothes, cook my meals, clean the castle, make the beds, and
clean the bath for me.

Later that night, over a fine bottle of chilled Chablis with
sautéed frogs legs in garlic butter and fresh truffles she thought
to herself: “I don’t fucking think so!!”

Three men die and reach heaven´s door. There they meet St. Peter,
and St. Peter says: “Allright, guys, if you want to enter here, you
have to answer one question each to prove that you are real
Christians.” And so he asks the first one: “Who do you think,
wrote the five books of Moses?”
The man replies: “Yeah, that´s an easy one. That was Moses!”
St. Peter says: “Well done, you may enter. Enjoy yourself!”
Then he asks the second one:”Who do you think, was the first man
on earth?”
The man replies:”Gosh, that´s an easy one. That was Adam”
St Peter:”Yeah, you´re right, you may go in!”
Then he asks the third one:”What do you think, Mary thought, when
the Holy Spirit came over her and made her pregnant?”
The third man replies: “Oh, oh! That´s a hard one…”
St. Peter: “Yeah, you´re right! You may enter!”

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two
extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split
them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things
he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
It’s a very handy thing, God told the couple. “I was wondering if
either one of you wanted the ability?”

Adam jumped up and blurted out, “Oh, give that to me. I’d love it.
Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great.
When I’m out working in the garden, I could just stand there and
let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand.
Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to.” On and on
he went like an excited little boy…

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would
make him happy and she wouldn’t mind if Adam was the one given this
ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction
of his urine while in a vertical position.

He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree
nearest him and laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine, God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. “What’s
left in here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms… ”