Jokes - Funny Jokes at Loudjokes.com

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* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

* Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

* It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

* Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

* The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

* Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

* Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

* When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

* If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.

* The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

* There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead.

* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.

* Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

* Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

* Atheism is a nonprofit organization.

* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

* Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

* Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

* And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?

* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

* Is there another word for synonym?

* Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

* Where do forest rangers go “to get away from it all?”

* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

* If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

* Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

* Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

* What was the best thing before sliced bread?

re You A Real Man ?

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) Taking the pigskin bus to Tunatown

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
after you’ve both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexualrelationship
b) your blood test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don’t miss Football

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend would agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife / girlfriend need ever find
out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had
sex with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) £100 extra

6. Your wife / girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the
last month. You tell her that it is:
a) no concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) an appetiser is to an entree
b) a primer is to paint
c) a long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying atthe end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now, please leave a message after the
beep.”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville, population, You.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy.
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

EVALUATING THE RESULTS
If you answered “a” more than seven times, look in your pants
as a gender check.
If you answered “b” more than seven times, check into therapy;
you’re a little confused.
If you answered “c” more than seven times, “YOU DA MAN!”

A FEW OF LIFE’S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
** Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
** Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
** Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
** Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
** Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
** Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
** Why is a boxing ring square?
** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
** Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
** Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
** Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
** Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
** Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
** Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
** Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
** Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
** Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
** Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
** Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

A young lady, named Sally, relates an experience she had in a
seminary class given by her teacher, Dr.Smith. She says Dr. Smith
was known for his elaborate object lessons. One particular day,
Sally walked into the class and knew they were in for a fun day.

On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts.
Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they
disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow
them to throw darts at the person’s picture.

Sally’s girlfriend drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her
boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother.
Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of
detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally
was pleased at the overall effect she had achieved. The class lined
up and began throwing darts, with much laughter and hilarity.

Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their
targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and
was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time
limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat
thinking about how angry she was because she didn’t have a chance
to throw any darts at her target, Dr. Smith began removing the
target from the wall. Underneath the target was a picture of
Jesus…..

A complete hush fell over the room as each student viewed the
mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face
and His eyes were pierced. Dr. Smith said only these words…..
“In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren,
ye have done it unto Me.” Matthew 25:40

No other words were necessary; the tear-filled eyes of each student
focused only on the picture of Christ.

Pass it on. Jesus said, “If you are ashamed of me, I will be
ashamed of you before my Father.”
If you’re not ashamed, pass this on.

*Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the
corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* Murphy’s First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five
items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will
forget two of the first five.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your
taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to
be doing, you’ll want to be doing something else.

* Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will
soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home
from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking
lot.

- Why didn’t Superman save Princess Di the night she died?
- Because he’s in a wheelchair!

- A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

- “How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”

- Q: Where do they put the pictures of lost children on milk cartons
in Ethiopia?
- A: On the UPC bar code in the lower left-hand corner.

- “There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won’t, and that’s a spouse who can’t cook and will.”

- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t
park anywhere near the place.

- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.

- Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for
a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn’t help me.

- What’s another word for -thesaurus?-

- When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child… eventually.

- I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
So I had to buy them again.

- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day
I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it
out!-

- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

- I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time
I hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe
I wrote that.-

- I got my driver’s license photo taken out of focus
on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks
at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it
clearly)… and says, -Here, you can go.- I went to
a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything
specific.

- I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he
ran around in circles.

- I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

- My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can’t get
out.

- I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what
to add.

- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went
back in time.

- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, -
I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when
I’m out.-

- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t
know how I got there.

- I went to a restaurant that serves -breakfast at any
time.- So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You
don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street
and… oohh, that’s much
better.

- I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection
of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over
the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

- It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s
always room- temperature.

- If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of
the precipitate.

- You can’t have everything… where would you put it?

- Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

- I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When
I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I
said, -Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.- He
said, -Yes, but not in a row.-

- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say, -Have you
got anything I’d like?- Then they ask me what size I
need, and I say, -Extra medium.-

- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment
and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told
my roommate, he said, -Do I know you?-

- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people
who live above me are furious.

- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the
rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

- I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be
out that long.-

- One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, -Didn’t you see the stop sign?- I said, -Yeah,
but I don’t believe everything I read.-

- The judge asked, -What do you plead?- I said, -Insanity,
your honor. Who in their right mind would park in the
passing lane?-

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When
I came back the entire area was missing.

- For a while I didn’t have a car… I had a helicopter…
no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post
and left it running. [Slow glance upward.]

- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it’s going to be up all night.

- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My
dreams were broadcast all over the world.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
-Did you sleep good?- I said, -No, I made a few mistakes.-

- I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so
I called information. She said, -Hello, Information.-
I said, -I can’t find my socks.- She said, -They’re
behind the couch.-

- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- I was born by Caesarian section… but not so you’d
notice. It’s just that when I leave a house, I go out
through the window.

- Well, you know when you’re rocking in a rocking chair,
and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards,
but at the last instant you catch yourself? That’s
how I feel all the time.

- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a
poem about everything.

Q: What do John F. Kennedy Jr. and a penguin have in common?
A: They’re both cute to look at, but neither one can fly worth a damn.

A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me.
Like the need for therapy…”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?”
- George Carlin

Roses are red.
The night is black.
Why is your chest as flat as your back?

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
- Well hung!!!

You must be a limb doctor! Because I have a stiffy!

Hey i’m Irish! Do you have any irish in you? ”
- Do you want some?”

Hey sexy! I bet I know you favorite surgery.
- It’s a slipadicktome.

Where have you been all my life
and when the hell are you going back?

Why do guys reject girls when they ask them out?
- Because they are gay.

A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum
A kiss ain’t a kiss without some tounge
So open your mouth close your eyes
and give your tounge some excersize

Once there was this one couple who had SEX everyday at every
hour they could. When the girl got pregnant they still had SEX
and finally the night before she had the baby they quit having
SEX! When the baby arrived and was put in his mother’s arms he
reached up and started poking his mother in the head and said
“how do you like it?”

How can you tell if your girlfriend is dead?
- The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Boyfriend and wallet missing….
- REAWARD for the WALLET!

Why do people go on blind dates?
- Because they cant get any one else!

Mean People SUCK
Nice People SWALLOW

What should guys never do on their first date?
- Be Themselves

How can you tell if a redneck is still a virgin after prom night?
- She can run faster than her dad!!! YEE HAH

How do you know if a blonde is dating another blonde?
- Her belly button is all black and blue.

Why is it that women rarely ask men out on dates?
- Because they’re daddy won’t let them

You only have three choices in any situation and the sooner you
choose, the less stress you feel: change, accept or leave.

Dating is not necessarily a fair game. There is information
inequality. A man on a date wonders if he will get lucky. The woman
already knows.

Forgive but never forget.

You have two ears and one mouth——-go figure.

Love: the delusion that one woman differs from another.

How many senior managers does it take to change a light bulb?
- We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light
bulbs burn out and to figure out what, exactly, we as managers
can do to make the light bulbs work smarter, not harder.

How many Help Desk people does it take to change a light bulb?
- We received your mail concerning your hardware problem and has
assigned your request Service Order Number 39712. Please use
this number for any future reference to this case of trouble.
As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

How many male chauvinists do you need to put a light bulb in?
- Who cares? Let the bitch work in the dark.

How many support staff people does it take to change a light bulb?
- We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? O.K..
Just exactly how dark is it? O.K.. There could be four or five
things wrong. Have you tried the light switch?

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
- 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write
WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle….

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
- None, it’s a hardware problem.

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
- The light bulb works fine on the systems in all other offices.
Why would YOURS not work?

How many integration testers does it take to change a light bulb?
- None, we just find the problems, we don’t fix them.