Weird Questions And Strange Thoughts
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
* Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
* It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
* Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
* The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
* Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
* When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
* If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
* The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
* There are two kinds of pedestrians… the quick and the dead.
* An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
* It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
* Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
* One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
* Atheism is a nonprofit organization.
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
* The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
* Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
* Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
* If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
* And whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
* Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
* Where do forest rangers go “to get away from it all?”
* What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
* If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
* Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
* What was the best thing before sliced bread?